My Life on the Chubby List: Finally Seeing Results

Sorry I have been so absent as of late but life has been rather busy! Tonight I would like to talk about how I am finally seeing results! In my last post I spoke of major frustration and while, yes, I am still irritated that none of my clothes are actually falling off me yet; I am happy to admit some small yet slightly embarrassing triumphs! 
NOTE: This is another one of those posts where I will admit to and discuss some rather difficult and potentially upsetting topics. The "Don't be an asshole disclaimer" listed in my first post strongly applies. I have received some personal e-mails from people expressing how much they like and relate to my blog so I find it extremely pertinent to discuss such things. Don't ruin the fun for everyone by being a troll. I want this to be a safe haven for people who find this blog relevant. Thank you in advance for your cooperation and understanding. 


As a plus size individual there are some things I take into consideration that other's have probably never thought let alone worried about. Such as:
-Will I fit in that chair?
  To be honest I have never actually not fit into a seat before. Nor have I ever broken a chair because I was too heavy for it, but these are things I have worried about. Mostly at movie theaters where the arms don't go up and on airplanes, especially on airplanes. 


-Eating in public.
  This use to be, and sometimes still is, one of my biggest fears. In middle school I rarely ate at lunch amongst my peers. I often did not want to eat inside restaurants or at my friend's houses. I felt as if everyone would be looking at me thinking "Look at that fat girl eat, no wonder she is so fat!" Food was the enemy and from age 13-17 I ate almost always in solitude. Even at home I would take meals in my room if my family would let me. I would pick at my food if I did eat in the presence of others and then when I was alone I would binge. Once I started driving this got even worse. I would go to the store or a fast food place get food, eat it in my car, destroy the evidence, and pretend like it never happened. I hated the idea of someone seeing me stuffing my face so much that even when I was hiding in my car eating if someone pulled up next to me and parked I would stop eating and drive somewhere else to finish my depressing indulgence. I would hide food in my room, my car, my locker at school, and eat it when no one was looking. I felt ashamed every time I did it. I would promise myself I would stop, but I would always find an excuse to do it again. I would convince myself that it was fine because I hadn't eaten all day or because I didn't know when I would be alone long enough to eat again. I would sometimes eat entire boxes of snacks in one sitting simply because I was terrified of being caught stashing junk food. I did not understand why I was so addicted to this behavior. I hated myself for it and would often wish I were addicted to something else; something that at least wouldn't make me fat. Sometimes I seriously wished that I were anorexic or a druggie instead of being a fatty addicted to food. I constantly asked myself why I continued to partake in this behavior when I knew it was just going to make me feel worse. And honestly I still don't know why. I sometimes find myself slipping back into my old ways when I do not feel comfortable. In college there were days when I just could not bring myself to eat in front of class mates, and now I struggle daily when it comes to eating at work in front of 20+ other women who are almost all thinner than I am. 


-Can I even shop in this store?
  Every time I walk by a store I wonder if I should even bother going in. I see so many beautiful outfits that I know will not fit me. I usually do not even bother falling in love with them because I know they aren't even made in my size. I feel embarrassed going into stores that seem to only carry size 10 and below. I feel like every thin shopper in there will see me picking through racks of clothes and think, "Yeah right, you're not fitting into that." I feel silly holding a garment up to my body trying to see if I can even stretch it enough to equal my body's width. Why do I even bother? 


-Getting out of a booth, a car, and up off a couch.
  Everyone has seen this, a big girl scooting her way out of a long booth or trying to hoist her fat ass up out of a bucket seat or back seat of a two door car, usually fat ass first, or shove yourself up off an overstuffed couch that seems to have formed to every back fat roll. This shit is embarrassing and there seems to be no graceful way of doing it. I have sat down in a booth at restaurants before and had to move the table away because it was squishing my stomach or had to ride up front in a two door car because I couldn't get into the backseat without making a scene of horrible struggle. And when I did fit into the back I would spend the whole ride trying to figure out the best way to make a somewhat non embarrassing exit. 


-Wearing bigger clothes than my boyfriend.
  I have always worn a larger clothing size than whoever I was dating. That cute cliche of walking around in your guy's dress shirt or hoody and it fitting you like a kid playing dress up in grown up clothes, well, that has never happened to me. And at times it makes me feel like an ogre; like I can't be girly or cute because I am this giant blob of unlady like proportions.  


I am sure the list goes on but you get the idea...


Now for my small but measurable triumphs! 
-Like I said, I have never broken a chair or not fit into one but recently I have noticed that I fit better into certain types of chairs. My thighs and hips do not scrape the edges of armed chairs so much. Seems silly, but it's comforting to me.


-Eating in public is something I think I will always struggle with but I need to get more comfortable with the idea at work. Eating more often is essential to my weight loss because it boosts my metabolism. I need to start taking a lunch break at work and actually eating something. I finally did this for the first time last Sunday. Let's see if I can make it a habit. 


-I am still shopping in stores that offer extended sizes but now that I have lost a total of 31lbs I can squeeze into some xl and size 16 clothes. I am still, however, waiting to celebrate going down an actually dress size for when I literally cannot fit into my size 18 clothes. 


-Today Chad and I went to a restaurant and sat in a long booth. I usually have a hard time getting out of this kind of seating arrangement and have to awkwardly scoot to the end of the booth, stick one leg out and then step sideways out of the booth to avoid hitting my stomach on the table. Today when exiting the booth I was able to stand up, turn, and exit the booth width wise without incident. And this was at a restaurant we have been to many times so I have plenty of moments to compare with. Once again, this may seem silly to some people but it was another little way I could really tell that my body is indeed changing.


-Now none of Chad's clothes just absolutely swallow me but I can at least fit into his shirts. Last week when we went out he suggested I wear one of his t-shirts and it actually ended up fitting me better than it fits him. This was a nice feeling for me. I rarely feel dainty and cute considering I am taller and wider than most people I know, but I definitely felt smaller being able to wear that shirt. And for the record I don't usually even want to feel dainty and girly and shit; I usually go for a more fierce, badass bitch, alpha female attitude but every once in a very, very long while it is nice to feel the slightest bit femmy. 




Next time on Half-Assed: Memoirs of a Chubster.
My Life of the Chubby List: Buying a Scale! Dun-Dun-Dunnnah!

My Life on the Chubby List: The 90 Day Crash

I know I said I was going to talk about something different in this post and that it has been awhile since I posted but I'm going to talk about something important in this post, the 90 day crash.

I went to the doc again on May 8, 2012. I have lost another five pounds for a total of 25lbs. I should excited right? Well, I'm not. I'm discouraged. I know you could see a difference in the pictures and everyone says they can really tell that I have lost weight but honestly I can't. I guess I really thought 25lbs would make a bigger difference. And other than my feet hurting less I don't feel that much better most of the time. I still get dizzy. I am still lacking energy but can't fall asleep easily. And my doc is telling me that I am still now eating often enough. I was really good this last four weeks; I mean I really felt like I was trying! I exercised more and really worked at eating more often... and then I only pulled half the lbs I wanted to. It is frustrating. I expressed my feelings to my doctor and she said that I am still on track and that she sees many of her patients do this. She calls it the 90 day crash. After three months of giving up foods you love, changing how you eat, how you work out, and after the initial rush of pulling the first big chunk of weight the high drops. She said many of her weight loss patients begin to become extremely critical of themselves after a very short period of time. She kept reminding me that I did not put all the weight on in three months so it is unrealistic to think that it would all come off that fast. She told me to focus on the fact that I am progressively loosing weight and that I myself have expressed that I do not want to loose too quickly. 

 Although I know what my doc is saying is all correct I am still upset that I only dropped 5lbs. I really wanted to loose at least 8lbs. I feel like my hard work is not really paying off and that it is going to take forever to reach my goal! I mean when you have 100+ lbs to loose getting rid of five of them really doesn't mean much. I am probably being too hard on myself but I just can't shake this downer mood. I think it is time to get serious with the exercise. I need a work out buddy that will help hold me accountable because when I get discouraged that exercise is the first thing that goes by the wayside because I don't like doing it! I know I am making excuses when I say that it has been a rough couple of weeks... but it is true. I have not been in the best mind set lately. And today I am just angry and discouraged. 

 I am really wondering how much weight I will have to pull until I really start to see a major difference myself, like clothes literally falling off of me or being able to shop in a non plus size store. I guess because I have no idea what my body will look like after I do reach my goal it is hard for me to imagine that these things will ever happen. I know it is silly but I feel like   if I don't see a major difference after loosing 25lbs maybe I still won't after 50lbs lost. And if that is true maybe loosing 100lbs isn't enough and if that is the case I feel like my goal is SO FAR AWAY! HOW WILL I EVER GET THERE!!!???? 

 I need to get my fire back. I need a better support system. I am obviously not pushing myself hard enough. So I am asking the few people that read my blog to please help me circulate it so I can find others that are struggling as I am. Please share with me your stories of success and struggle and what you did to push through. I need some serious inspiration here to get me through this crash, it is far to early in this journey to get lost and turn back. I am hoping that after I do loose 50 lbs I will have enough stamina to play sports again and start doing boot camp style workouts because I know it will be sooooo hard loose the last half of the weight. If I want to reach my goal of loosing 100lbs by next Jan. I need to loose 10lbs a month! It is a tall order and I need help getting there!