My Life on the Chubby List: The Beginning.

Don't be an asshole warning: In this blog I am going to be brutally honest. In this post alone I will admit to how I felt about family pushing me to lose weight and how much I weighed at the beginning of this journey. These are things that are extremely hard for me to talk about. However, I feel that being completely open and honest not only with myself but others as well will help me to continue moving forward. Please, keep all criticisms constructive and all comments positive and applicable. Basically, don't be an asshole! If you don't want to read about some fat bitch blammering on about how she is trying to lose weight then just click away now! 


Now that that's over...
Welcome to my weight loss blog! However, just calling what I am doing "weight loss" is a bit of an understatement. Yes, I am changing my life one pound at a time but honestly this isn't a last ditch effort to finally fulfill my life long goal of looking good in a horizontal striped sweater dress; this life style change that I embarking on is about not eating my way to diabetes. It's about sucking it up instead of sucking it in! So let's get down to it people!


The Skinny On Why I'm Not:
  My whole life I have struggled with my weight.  I was a chubby kid despite playing all kinds of sports and being tall for my age.  I always felt awkward around other children my age because I was so much larger than them, taller and heavier; and since I am of the female persuasion this was especially uncomfortable. I was a tomboy growing up, sure, but I still didn't like almost always being the biggest kid in every class from first grade all the way up through jr. high school. Obviously I was aware of my weight issues so why didn't I do something about it? Why didn't I nip this whole fat kid thing in the bud long before now? Well to be honest I'm not real sure. My Mother has always had weight issues as well and from early childhood on both my parents and grandfather were constantly on me about my eating and fitness habits. I know they were just trying to help. It isn't easy being a fat girl and they knew it; but I was defiant and to be honest at times I think I gained weight just to spite everyone who was always telling me I should lose more. It was my way of taking back control; my way of not fitting into some mold I felt everyone was forcing me into. As I got older being overweight didn't bothered me the way it seemed to bother everyone else. I felt fine, at that point I was still healthy, I had plenty of friends; I did not feel like my weight was impeding any part of my life so why change it?
In my early teens I did drop a bit of weight and looking back on high school I was plus size, yes, but I was under 200lbs and I was fine with that. But in college all that changed. 


The Truth and Why It Took So Long To Seek It:
  In college my weight blew up out of control.  Many things changed in my life those two years and my personal eating habits were one of them. For the first time in my life I was on my own, 1,300 miles from anyone who had any authority over me. No one to tell me I really shouldn't be eating that, no one to talk me out of purchasing and indulging in confectionary carnage whenever I wanted, no one telling me I should really be more active. I didn't own a scale and I didn't believe in limiting myself. I really wasn't paying attention to just how much I was gaining. Turning 21 didn't help anything either. Cheap beer, fast food, late nights, spending 90% of my life at school, and 0% exercising turned me into the ultimate chubster! I had loads of friends, I made people laugh, I was kicking ass in all my classes, who cared that I have probably gained nearly 80lbs by graduation?! Well, certainly not me! Even though the warning signs were there I was in complete denial. I preached fat acceptance and the heavy people could be healthy people too. Even though at that point I had already been living with lymphedema for close to three years and my feet and knees were pretty much always in pain. My parents hadn't really talked to me too much about my weight while I was in college, I guess they figured I was an adult and let me make my own choices. My Grandfather on the other hand on two occasions had offered me money to lose weight; I was outraged and told him I had more important things to worry about than my pant size. 
 Now, almost two years post college I have finally reached a point that even I have to stop and take a real look at what is going on with my body. In Dec of 2011 I began suffering from chronic back pain and at times could hardly walk or get out of bed. I was constantly fatigued but had a hard time sleeping, walking up the stairs to my apt was sometimes a challenge, and I began having dizzy spells accompanied by fits of nausea. I Feb of 2012 I finally went to the doctor. She did some blood work and gave me some news that was rather difficult to digest. She diagnosed me with Metabolic Syndrome which after some research seems like a nice way of saying you unofficially have type two diabetes. She also told me that all the weight I carried in my mid section was putting so much stress on my back that it was causing the severe pain. Bottom line: I had to lose weight. She talked to me about a nutrition plan and told me I had a long journey of baby steps ahead. I didn't get this heavy overnight so don't expect to wake up skinny tomorrow, she said. I was devastated! My whole adult life I had preached self acceptance. I spent all this time accepting my body the way it was. I was finally okay with never being thin. I had come to terms with having to shop at certain types of stores and wearing a body slimmer had become completely routine. I had fully embraced the fat bitch lifestyle! And now my body was betraying me. I felt like the biggest hypocritical joke ever. I felt like I had just proved that every person who had ever judged me or bullied me was correct when they said I should get off my fat ass and get skinny. I really didn't know how to take the information or what to do with it. How do you take your whole thought process, your whole way of seeing and loving yourself and just change it? 


Health Acceptance: 
  One week after hearing the news I was back at the doctor's office to discuss weight loss options and an rx for the meds I now needed to regulate my insulin levels. I had somewhat come to terms with things. I was still upset but I had decided that if I really did love myself I would swallow my pride and do what it took to get healthy again despite having to face some difficult facts. 
Fact #1: I did this to myself.
Fact #2: I was 5' 10" and I weighed 299lbs.
Fact #3: If I do not change the way I eat, exercise, and live my life I will not stop gaining weight. This is not something that will go away on it's own.
Fact #4: Diabetes was not the most serious health issue I would face if I continued to gain weight. 
I also had realized that just because I needed to lose weight did not mean that I had to get "skinny". My belief that I could be chubby and healthy was still true. But that brings me to fact 5.
Fact #5: I wasn't chubby anymore; I am obese.
There I said it... and I finally admit how much I weighed. A bit of information that until I post this only one other person on the planet actually knows. 


Progress Report:
It has been ten weeks since I started all this hooplah and I have lost exactly 20lbs putting me at 279lbs! My goal is to lose 100lbs by Jan 2013. I want to lose the weight slowly and build up my endurance so I can start playing sports again. This is going to be an interesting journey. 


Thank you for taking the time to read this obnoxiously long post. My future posts will be shorter... maybe. (: I hope this inspires others to get healthy and I hope to connect with others that are struggling the same way I am. I am making this blog to help hold me accountable and stay motivated to continue on the right path. I have also included some pictures of my progress so far. 




The first 4 pics were taken Jan. 18, 2012. About a month before I began my weight loss. My boyfriend and I were back in Oklahoma where we are from visiting family. These pics were taken by his Mother at her house during a family reunion. This is what I looked like the first time I met most of his family. I was shocked at how I looked. This is me at 299lbs. My biggest moment.

 These pictures were taken on April 24, 2012. Ten weeks into my journey. I have currently lost 20lbs. This is me at 279lbs. I think all 20lbs came out of my face! I am currently still wearing my size 18-20 clothes but they are starting to fit much better. 20 more lbs and I think I will be back into a 14-16.

Thanks for reading! Please share your stories with me!