Considering Weight Loss Surgery

So sorry that it has been sooo long since I posted!! 

I have hit rock bottom here. I know this sounds like excuses and that is because they are but it doesn't make them any less true. I don't know what I am doing. I do not have an immediate support system and I do have zero will power. I have gained seven pounds back from what I lost and then pulled five of them back off and I should be excited. I'm not. I feel so far gone. I feel like even if I do pull more weight it will always be this teeter totter bs. Lose some, gain some, lose some, gain some.... on and on and on. 

After speaking with a friend who also struggles with weight issues I am seriously thinking about o band surgery. I have read many blogs, followed other people's weight loss journeys, and weighed the pros and the cons. I feel that it just might be my best option of losing the weight and keeping it off. I am 23 and weigh the upwards of 300 lbs. If I don't get this under control I am going to die or have so many health problems and pain by the time I am in my 50's that I will wish I were dead. Simply put, I cannot afford the keep putting on weight the way I have been all my life. I need help! I need someone to help me stop hurting myself. How pathetic is it that my biggest problem is something I can control and simply don't? And why not? Because I really feel like I don't know how or just can't stop eating myself to death. Am I an addict or do I feel like I don't deserve to be healthy because I am doing this to myself? I think I am scared to be thin or even just fit. I am scared I can't do it. I am scared of what I will look like, extra skin, sagging everything, wrinkles in the face, gross sagging neck, flat, floppy boobs. I am scared I will be less than thirty and have the body of a saggy old woman. I am so damn vain that I am scared I will be uglier healthy than I am fat and dieing. There, I said it. 

Where do I go from here? I feel like it would help a lot to have a meal plan. A strict meal plan. I need a nutritionist to tell me what to eat and when. I need someone to hold me accountable. I need someone who will do this with me. I know that is pathetic, but I feel that this is what it is going to take. I think it is time to make another appt with my doctor and take the proper steps to get back on track. I need to get back on my meds and start doing healthier things. I need healthy people in my life or at least people that want to get healthy too. I feel that if I don't do these things now, I probably never will. I am scared that I am slowly killing myself.